ethereiselle

“Happy?” Tanya Axel dengan sarkas sesaat masuk ke kamar milik Allison. Sedangkan yang ditanya? Hanya duduk di pinggir kasur, memberikan tawa kaku dengan kepala yang tertunduk.

“Axel, I'll be outside. Allison, I put all your things here, okay,” ucap Regina—kekasih Axel sebelum keluar dari kamar tersebut.

Allison tersenyum tipis, merasa canggung sebab kini dirinya hanya berdua dengan sang ayah yang tengah menatapnya datar.

“I'm sorry, Dad.“

“For what?” Tanya Axel dengan menyingkap kedua tangannya.

“You should say it to your husband and family for leaving them without any notice. Not me,” lanjut pria itu membuat Allison bergeming.

“What's wrong? Things must be happening in Jakarta, right?“

“Everything is fine.” Kebohongan Allison yang ditanggapi dengan senyuman remeh Axel.

“Your husband and daughter. They don't even know you are here. You rode a horse like crazy, and you scared them. Also, it's not 24 hours yet since I saw you in my neighborhood, but you broke your hand and ribs six times in my life already.“

“Still want to say nothing happened?” Allison diam meremat jari-jari tangan kanannya.

Axel mengubah posisi berdirinya. Muncul rasa kesal ketika menyadari Allison yang kembali berusaha membohonginya dengan peran yang ia mainkan.

Membohongi semua orang dalam hidupnya adalah salah satu keahlian yang dimiliki Allison. Namun, Axel adalah satu-satunya orang yang tidak pernah berhasil ia bohongi sejak dulu. Sehingga mau tidak mau, Axel akan selalu mengetahui seluruh fakta yang ia sembunyikan.

“Let me tell you something,” ucap Axel sambil melipat tangan di depan dadanya.

“You are not a kid anymore, Als. You are a mom now, a wife. You are not '15th years old Allison' anymore. You are NOT my 'daddy's girl' anymore. You can't just leave your family like this and come to me when you have problems.“

“I just ... missed Texas so bad,” bisik wanita itu.

“I know. But I also know that is not the cause why you came here now.” Allison diam tidak membalas.

“I was going to send you right away to Indonesia but I'll just let you stay here for a week or at least until you can adapt to your situation now, and then you should return to Indonesia,” ucap Axel yang langsung mendapatkan tatapan tidak terima dari putrinya.

“Dad—“

“What? I don't accept any objection.” Axel berbicara dengan mata yang menatap Allison tegas.

“Okay, I came here because I was mad at myself. I was sorry. I just want to relax a little bit after my stressful months. You should have understand me, help me, comfort me, giving me some advice, cheering me up not kicking me out,” protes Allison berusaha membujuk agar Axel dapet membiarkannya tinggal di rumah tersebut selama yang ia mau.

“You want some advice? Go home.“

“I'm home.“

“Go to your family. Your husband and kids. Not me.“

“Dad, please understand that I only want to blow off steam here. Stop asking me to go back to Indonesia.“

“And I'm asking you to stop asking me to understand you because I am.“

“You're not. You don't know how it feels to be blamed for causing so many things. You don't know how it feels when your family got into a fight because of you, and you don't know how it feels when your daughter hates to see you. You just know nothing.“

“So you said that I still know nothing after over a phase where my 15th years old daughter was screaming because she was tired of herself and her life, and you think when I witnessed my daughter's outburst made me feel happy as if I am breaking a world record?” Allison terdiam.

“I know Allison. I am. That's why I want you to return.” Lanjut Axel membuat Allison ingat masa yang dimaksud oleh sang ayah.

Ia ingat saat itu ia harus mulai beradaptasi dengan ketenaran yang dialami dimana disaat yang bersamaan mentalnya masih belum matang untuk menghadapi itu semua. Harus menerima bahwa kini semua berubah, orang-orang yang membencinya mulai bermunculan. Satu langkah ia berjalan, puluhan langkah mengikuti di belakangnya.

Dua tahun terdiam sebelum akhirnya Allison tersadar dan mulai benar-benar berteriak di depan sang ayah jika dia tidak sanggup dengan semua hal yang harus dihadapi dan ia yang mulai membenci dirinya sendiri. Dia benci dan juga tidak mengerti kenapa menjadi terkenal membuatnya dijauhi, dimanfaatkan, bahkan dikhianati oleh teman-teman sekolahnya. Tidak mengerti kenapa orang-orang menghinanya karena segala privilege yang ia miliki dan membuat semua pencapaian yang ia dapat menjadi boomerang untuk dirinya sendiri. Tidak mengerti mengapa para pesaingnya berusaha melukai dirinya di setiap pertandingan membuat Allison remaja merasa jika dirinya tidak layak hidup. Tidak mengerti mengapa ia ditakdirkan untuk menjalani hidup seperti ini dan itu.

Padahal yang ketika itu dirinya ingin lakukan hanyalah satu kegiatan.

Berkuda.

Allison remaja benar-benar tidak peduli dengan uang jutaan dolar yang ia terima setiap menjuarai segala pertandingan yang rutin ia ikuti, Allison remaja tidak peduli dengan segala privilege yang diberikan oleh kota bahkan negaranya karena berhasil membuat pencapaian baru untuk tempat kelahirannya tersebut.

Allison remaja hanya ingin hidup normal dan berkuda.

“I felt sorry, Allison. I felt it. Since the day you said a word about your problem, I couldn't stop feeling sorry. I felt it because I am the one who put you in that situation. I am the one who introduces you to that world. I am the one who makes your adolescent phase feel like hell. I was sorry, Als. So sorry.“

“And also since that day, I can't stop thinking about every 'what if' I actually have and could choose.“

“What if I never bring you to my meetings abroad and do not introduce you to all my colleagues, especially the racer one? What if I never take you to the horse racing game and just let you hang out with some friends? What if I said no when the first time you said you were going to be a horse racer? What if I am not your dad, so you won't be a Texan and spend all day watching a rodeo or racing game? What if I chose one of the 'what if'? Will my daughter have the ordinary life she wants? Will she have a better life?

What if I, what if her, what if, what if, and other what-ifs keep showing through my head since that day. And I could not stop it for the next-next years. Until I finally saw you have an ordinary life. A life that I never saw from you before you start making some new friends in Indonesia.“

“So if you think I never experience it. You're mistaken.“

Perkataan Axel berhasil membuat Allison benar-benar kehabisan kata.

Axel Andrea. Seorang ayah sekaligus pria pertama yang Allison ketahui tidak pernah marah kepada keluarga atau bahkan sekedar untuk menyampaikan isi hatinya. Kini seakan tengah mengupas seluruh kulitnya secara perlahan. Ikut mengungkap apa yang selama ini ia rasakan.

“Still don't want to listen to me?“

“A month. Just a month, and I'll go.“

Keras kepala.

“A month?” Axel menatap putrinya tidak percaya.

“Als, do I forget to teach you how to deal with your problem? I think I have been pampering you forever until I didn't realize that you are grown as a selfish woman, not an independent one. Selfish. I bet dealing with a colleague is the only thing I have taught you all this time, right?” Axel berbicara dengan sangat sarkas membuat Allison semakin tidak berani menjawab.

“In case you forget how to speak English, then I'll say, kamu egois Allison.”

Skakmat.

Axel tidak pernah marah dengan Allison, dan ia sangat jarang berbicara menggunakan bahasa indonesia, hampir tidak pernah. Namun kini pria itu melakukan keduanya yang berarti situasinya cukup serius baginya.

Kalimat Axel benar-benar membuat Allison membeku.

“Back then, when you came here alone because you were in a fight with Jeno, I was okay because that was a time when you were a bit sensitive with everything. You were pregnant. That is why I was fine with it. But if you keep repeating it like this, it means you are selfish,” ucap Axel sembari kembali menatap putrinya dengan serius.

Sesuai perkataannya, ini bukan pertama kalinya untuk Allison pergi ke Texas ketika bertengkar dengan Jeno atau siapapun.

Dulu ketika Allison tengah mengandung Scarlett, sempat terjadi perdebatan ringan antara dirinya dengan Jeno. Perdebatan ringan yang membesar karena saat itu Allison sangat sensitif. Hampir serupa dengan hari ini, saat itu Axel yang baru kembali dari Alaska dikejutkan dengan kehadiran Allison yang duduk di ruang tamunya, terdiam memakan buah buahan tanpa barang bawaan.

Namun, saat itu Axel membiarkan Allison karena mengerti keadaannya yang tengah mengandung, meski pria itu tetap menceramahi putrinya karena ternyata sang menantu tidak tau menau tentang kepergian wanita itu membuat mereka semua kelimpungan mengingat Jeno yang saat itu belum pernah mengurus visa Amerikanya. Beruntung saat itu Axel memang ada urusan di Indonesia dalam waktu dekat, membuat Axel harus pergi ke Jakarta satu minggu lebih awal untuk mengantar Allison pulang dua hari setelahnya.

“Maybe it is just several times for me to meet Jeno. But based on stories that I've heard, he is always there for you. When you had a business problem, I knew he was there for you. Eve told me you are fine because Jeno is there, with you, consoling you. And now, what do you give him in return? Leave him like this? Maybe Jeno is not related to the problems, but for him, every single problem in his family is also his problem. He feels responsible for his family, and you leave him alone with the whole complication you own when you are the one who should be there.“

“That's so mean, Als. If I were him, I would absolutely feel so disappointed in you because you can not respect him as your husband. Genuinely, I want to say that he is too good for you. You really don't deserve him.” Axel memberi jeda sebentar melihat Allison yang menggigit bibirnya sembari menundukkan kepala.

“If you have a problem, face it, Al. If you feel sorry, say it. Tell them that you are sorry. You are not a kid anymore. You are not someone who needs me to deal with all the problems you have anymore, Allison. You are a grown lady now. I have told you already, right? If you have something that you can not deal with, you can ask someone for help. You have a husband now, you can ask him for help, or else you can barely discuss the problem with him.“

Axel dan Allison, keduanya kini terdiam seperti menenangkan pikirannya masing-masing. Allison dengan emosi terhadap dirinya dan Axel yang masih tidak habis pikir dengan wanita di hadapannya.

“Do you remember that I've said if life is actually just a cycle? A cycle where the same things happen on repeat to the same or different people,” ucap Axel tiba-tiba.

“I've been there once, Allison.“

“I've been in Jeno position once,” ulang pria itu membuat Allison menatapnya tidak mengerti.

“Before we—I and your mom divorced, she did a similar thing like you now. Gone in the morning, can't be contacted, leaving you and me here without explanation. I bet that's the same just like what you did right now, right?“

“That time, I truly felt so anxious, scared, and worried at the same time, and I was so mad my myself at that moment until I found out that she was actually back in her country. Pretty calm me because I think at least she is alive, she is fine because she is home until three days later, she called me saying that she wants to divorce me for reasons that actually I still can not accept.“

“That's sucks.” Axel berbicara dengan tenang namun berhasil membuat isi kepala Allison benar-benar kosong.

Pikirannya kosong sebab kisah perpisahan kedua orang tuanya merupakan kisah yang tidak pernah ia ketahui sebelumnya. Kisah yang tidak pernah mau ia gali membuatnya lebih santai ketika menggoda Axel dan Kiera ketika dua insan itu bertemu kembali.

Allison dapat merasakan segala emosi Axel yang mulai terkuras karena harus mengungkit masa lalunya demi membujuk agar dirinya mau kembali ke Indonesia.

Pria itu mengatur nafasnya, berusaha menenangkan dirinya sendiri ketika rasa pusing mulai menyerang kepalanya. Axel kelelahan.

“I am sorry if my words hurt you. I just don't want my Son-in-law to come through that kind of time. Maybe you are my biological daughter, but in this case, I'm on your husband's side. So, I only accept you here until you adapt to your condition, according to what he asked. But still no more than two weeks. After that, I beg you to leave,” ucap Axel sebelum keluar dari kamar Allison.